The Imposter Monster

The voice inside my head is being mean to me :-(

I’m Vikki, mum of three. I mainly write about how I balance raising my kids with working, maintaining a household and trying to carve out time for myself, hopefully with a humorous slant. Sometimes I also post short fiction that I’ve written.

Hello! How are you all? I’m afraid I haven’t been about much lately. We often refer to early motherhood as the trenches. If that’s true then I am currently stuck somewhere in No-Man’s-Land, disorientated, unsure which direction I should be headed and worried that, even if I choose correctly, I will be met by friendly fire.

I have been crawling, clawing my way back to myself since before Christmas. Everything has just been too much.

Nothing brings me joy. I always feel tired and bored but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I quit the gym because I never go. I have half-finished stories and posts that I just can’t bring myself to work on. I can’t make myself read a book or anything longer than Threads. I feel like I’m scrolling my life away but I just keep telling myself; Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll write. Tomorrow I’ll run. Tomorrow I’ll change but, unfortunately, Tomorrow never arrives. Every time I wake up it turns out to be Today again.

The simplest tasks feel overwhelming. I was making toast for the children the other night and one of the pieces of bread curled due to the heat and trapped itself in the toaster. I tried to pry it free but the toaster was too hot to touch. I thought about getting a knife to help then that thought made me spiral and … I just wanted to cry.

I think I’m burnt out and I’ve been trying to make the changes I need to feel like myself again. One thing I’ve been wanting to do for a while is change my job. On Monday I came across the perfect vacancy. I polished up my CV, wrote the cover letter and filled in the application form. I gave myself a day to think on it and hit SEND the following evening.

The closing date isn’t until NEXT MONDAY. Ever since I have been overthinking, overanalysing and writing myself off.

The inside of my head.

I have always suffered from Imposter Syndrome. It’s insidious and affects all aspects of my life. I always doubt myself, never think I’m good enough. I’ve heard these voices as long as I can remember. I hear them when I’m at work, putting me off putting myself forward like I am now. I hear them at home, telling me I’m a bad mother, a bad wife, bad home-maker. They tell me my writing is terrible and pointless so I keep abandoning it. They’ve lost me friends; I’m terrible at staying in touch because I assume I’ll be bothering people by contacting them. I’m so used to this that I don’t fight against them, I just agree with them and give up. It’s fine for me. Like I said, I’m used to it. Recently though, the worst thing happened. I heard these voices coming from my child.

My eldest has always had anxiety around school but we have worked hard to help him build systems to lessen this. Sometimes they all come crumbling down. Hr told me he didn’t want to go to school. He didn’t have any friends. Everyone made fun of him. He didn’t know anything. He was the slowest in the class.

He cried. And when he was ready, we unpicked it all. What to do when he didn’t know something. The children he could rely on to help him. That if they were helping they must care about him. That these were his friends. Why each one liked him. That somebody will always be the slowest, but he could get faster by trying hard and practising.

He eventually went to sleep that night feeling better but I was still troubled. It felt like listening to echoes of what I heard inside my own head. Have I done this to him? Is it just genetic? Or have I unwittingly taught him to think like this? I try so hard to not be negative about myself in front of the children. I accept all their compliments with good grace.

I’m beautiful? I know. I’m so clever? Yes, I am. Strong? Talented? Funny? Yes, yes and yes! No self-deprecation or deflection with humour within their earshot and yet …

A few years ago I was involved in an action research project looking into the effects of a growth mindset on students resitting their maths GCSE. One of the activities was called ‘The Inner Critic’. The idea was for the students to identify the negative vioce in their head. They had to name it (one girl called it Bob) and respond to it when they were being discouraged.

This week I’ve started to think of mine as a monster: stalking me in the dark; heckling me from around the corner; trying to trip me up as I edge forward.

My Imposter Monster

I refuse to let this monster eat my children. We will cheerlead for each other and drown out the doubting nonsense. We will manifest the shit out of good vibes until they are all encompassing. I already do this with my children but it seems it isn’t enough, I need to make sure I’m doing it for me as well. I’ve become so used to this background noise that I stopped even questioning it. That needs to change.

I need to start shouting my Imposter Monster down. I need comebacks for all the negativity. I’m going to look on the bright side. I’m telling myself if I don’t get an interview for this position, at least my CV is in good shape when I see something else I want to apply for. I’ve booked a hair appointment for Tuesday, which is the day I should find out if I get an interview. I’ve decided that if I don’t get one then I’ll get something ‘fun’, maybe a peekaboo colour, maybe neon pink all over.

I’m going to stop assuming that nobody wants to listen to me and share what’s on my mind. I’m going to shrink my Imposter Monster down until I can’t hear it any more and I’m not going to worry about nobody getting my Buffy references.