It's been a while ...

Back! For one night only! Maybe more

Well, well, well, Substack. I’m sure you’ve noticed that you can now put Polls in Notes. This is clearly due to my tireless campaigning. All my Notes crying out POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! each seen by upwards of six people? Yeah, I did that. So I am just here to say “You’re welcome, Substack. YOU’RE WELCOME.”

Honestly, as a mother of three and working woman, I don’t always feel I get the credit I deserve and so I am taking this right here. Give me all the accolades!

I’ve had a hard time this year. I’m still having a hard time. Going back to work after my last maternity leave has brought about the realisation that I’m actually just fifteen coping mechanisms wrapped in a mum-bod. Not well-wrapped either.

I’ve been feeling burn out. I’ve been feeling stressed. I’ve been feeling crazy and fed up and questioning everything. I’ve felt like I was failing everywhere; at work, at home. Even here.

I was crumbling under the weight of my own expectations, questioning my content, worried I wasn’t present enough, panicking when I got a notification that someone had posted an article because reading was another thing to add to that neverending list.

I didn’t like who I was here. I didn’t like who I was ANYWHERE. It felt like all I did was whinge. I didn’t feel like I was going anywhere. I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I was stuck in a rut that was beginning to feel like a chasm. I felt lost. Hopeless. Helpless.

So like any self-respecting undiagnosed AuDHD eldest daughter I found a new fixation. In my last post I had applied for a new job, which I didn’t get, not even an interview. It felt like I was paying the motherhood penalty — my stints of mat leave have definitely stunted my career, I was unable to get some training, accreditation and experience because I wasn’t available. But I know what I’m capable of, so I decided that if nobody would give me a chance I’d give it to myself; I created a maths website in my speciality.

That’s what I’ve spent most of my evenings working on the past few months. It’s given me purpose and made me feel happier, but I’ve also booked an appointment with my GP. May update after I’ve spoken to her.

And I didn’t mean to leave here. I didn’t, really. My plan was to consume and interact with the content I wanted to. I thought I’d be a more valuable member of the community; a purposeful, present cheerleader for all my favourites, then my 4 year old decided I should upgrade my phone. Of course by ‘decided’ I mean ‘threw on a tiled floor and smashed’ and by ‘upgrade’ I mean ‘found an old one that still switched on in the junk drawer’. It runs on Android 8 (we’re up to 17) and its own rules. It will use 30% of battery sat in my pocket doing nothing but that’s okay because it also claims to increase charge by 50% in fifteen minutes. It refused to download some of my apps (RIP NYT Games) and some, like Substack, downloaded but won’t work properly. It lets me browse Notes and read Posts but I can’t write comments or anything - it just doesn’t bring up the keyboard - so if I wanted to respond or post anything I had to go get my tablet or laptop and I’m afraid that that kind of intentionality and followthrough has just been beyond me. I could still heart things though.

So my plan?

• See if I can get any useful advice (or maybe medication?) from the doctor.

• Keep working on my website. It’s ReRunMaths if you’d like to take a look!

• Intentional Substacking once a week; maybe a Post or a Note, maybe just reading and commenting.

• Keep the children alive, fed, and possibly also clean.

• Reognise my triggers.

• Writing lists and pressuring myself to stick to them is a trigger.

• Well Shit.